I’m gonna get malaria. I just know it.
Here’s the thing: I’m delicious. I’m the crème de la crème of mosquito delicacies. If my blood was on the list at a mosquito restaurant, it’d be a freaking 1787 Chateau Margaux.
People tell me all the time to just relax.
“Oh but I went for three weeks and I only got bitten a few times”. It’s not so bad, they say. You prepare well and it’ll be all cool.
You know what? You can STFU.
As we science types love to say, you can shove your anecdotal evidence up your nether regions. Your blood is probably the New Coke of mosquito beverages, while I have a committee of those pokey bastards arguing over the market value of my delicious product.
I know all the tips. Avoid perfumes, avoid dark clothing. Buy top-of-the-line mosquito repellent, use netting, and be vigilant at dusk. These strategies seem to work for a bucketload of people, and that’s cool.
The thing is, tons of people can frolic around on a summer eve, in snappy little sundresses, looking all fine. They don’t have three hundred bites in varying stages of redness giving their legs a fun polka dot pattern.
I, on the other hand, regularly coat myself in half a can of spray and still get bitten five times while I’m locking my bike. It’s 9am in the morning! Also, it’s autumn. The leaves are turning glorious shades of yellow and red, and the air has a little chill to it. It’s the kind of weather that brings to mind hearty dinners and cosy snuggles on the couch. There’s scarves and coats and woolly hugs everywhere.
And in the midst of all that autumn bliss, you’ll find me, absent-mindedly scratching my butt while window shopping. That’s right, I got a mosquito bite on the gluteus maximus. Through thick woolen tights no less.
I’d tell those buzzing menaces to bite me, but…well…nah.
So, thanks everyone for the helpful tips, but I’m still gonna worry. I’ll buy a stock of anti-malarials that I’ll try not to use for too long, because I don’t want my liver to implode. I’ll stalk the research about the new malaria vaccine like a junkie waiting for a fix.
And you know what else? I’ll thank my lucky stars that I’ve been born and raised in a country free of malaria and other terrible diseases. Every day, from now until the end of my time on this earth, I will be thankful that I was raised in a relatively worry-free environment. Mosquitoes are a menace, possibly Insect Public Enemy #1 in my books, but I’ve never had to look upon them as killers… not yet anyway.
So for the sake of the poor souls that live with this buzzing menace every day of their lives… I really, really hope that a vaccine makes its way to them as soon as is humanly possible.
P.S. I’m deliberately ignoring all the other insect-borne diseases out there… just for now, because ignorance really is bliss.